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Sun, Feb. 26th, 2012, 10:52 am

"So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all"


Sun, Jan. 1st, 2012, 06:56 pm

This year is all about non-stop action for you, Virgo. With Mars spending the entire first half of 2012 in your sign, you may start to wonder if there will be any break in sight before 2013. The first quarter of the year will be under Mars's retrograde influence, a transit that could push you into a semi-neurotic workaholic mode. Be sure to give yourself plenty of physical outlets in order to channel all that excess Mars energy. When Mars turns direct in Virgo in May, you'll possess tremendous energy to make amazing things happen!

With Neptune moving back into your partnership sector in February, you'll settle for nothing less than your true soul mate; either that or you'll feel blissfully wedded to your spiritual nature ... or perhaps a little of both! In any case, this is the time of your life to realize how important it is to satisfy the longings of your soul. You've compromised, settled and rationalized trying to make the wrong relationship right for long enough. Now you're willing to wait for the real thing.

You'll be thrilled to know that Saturn, after putting the brakes on your spending over the last few years, is finally about to take leave of your financial sector. Any financial challenges you've had to endure since 2009 should come to an end this October. A change of residence or alterations to your current abode are possibilities under the next wave of eclipse patterns. June's full Moon lunar eclipse in your domestic sector is the beginning of many profound changes to affect both home and career prospects between late 2012 and early 2013. And then, the new Moon solar eclipse in November in your communication sector could bring new potential for learning, speaking, writing or travel opportunities.


I don't know why I chose to read this...but I'm glad I did. 

Fri, Nov. 25th, 2011, 04:44 am

Truth: This may not have been my weekend.
Truth: This will be my year

Thu, Nov. 17th, 2011, 03:23 am

Well I feel like I have Deja Vu this morning...
Its almost as if I've been in this exact situation before...
Maybe last August.

Sat, Sep. 10th, 2011, 12:05 am

Just yesterday, I thought someone had stolen my phone. 
As of lately, I just haven't felt like I've been coming out on top, it just seems that if something starts to go right many things will start to go wrong. And the phone situation was, to me the straw that broke the camels back...but then, something amazing happened. My roommate Molly was helping me by calling my phone, a new friend (Nick Volpe) offered me a phone to use, and there were just so many people that were generally concerned about me.  In the end, someone had simply found my phone and it was not stolen at all. I of course felt silly and thought, how can I care about something so small and get so upset about it.  At that moment I felt lucky that through this situation I could really see who cared about me and I got a great feel of all the people that I have surround myself with.
So tonight, my bike got stolen. And not in a to-be-confused-with-found scenario as stated above but in a use-bolt-cutters-to-eat-my-lock-and-steal-it way. And for a second, sure I wasn't happy but...ONE bad person took my bike, ONE bad person. It stinks, and it wasn't the happiest note to end my evening on, but I have so many amazing people in my life that I refuse to let ONE bad person make me unhappy again. 

Kill One, Save Many (common Philosophy)
Screw One, Cherish Many. (Cheryl's Philosophy) 

Sat, Sep. 3rd, 2011, 06:38 pm
Whats Next?

Lets just start off by saying I'm terrified. I graduate in 3 months and while this is the moment that I have been waiting for, its safe to say that I have in no way prepared for it. I know that I have things that I want to do, but wanting something and achieving something are two completely different things. So I'll make an outline to describe my wants and a sort of To-Do list to make my dreams come true. This list will be in order of would make me happiest in the world to still pretty happy and of course all the little things in the middle =]

Here we go:

1) Americorps- not to much I can do at this point. I'm on the waitlist and I can stay on that anytime from 2 days ago to the day before they ship people out. But I'm on the waitlist and thats as good as I can hope for at this point. Keep yo fingers crossed.

2) Work for LLS in Chicago- I've already contacted...everyone in the office and I have a potential phone conversation set up with Heidi who is the senior director in Chicago. As far as I know they are not hiring but December is still a ways away and at least they know that I'm interested. Also, since I'll be in town for the Marathon I might pop in again and reiterate how excited I am.

3) Work and Live in Chicago- If I can't work at LLS I'd love to do something else. There is a position with the Make-A-Wish Foundation that sounds like it was made for me, however the application closes on September 15th and I don't know if that means that they need someone by then or if they will wait. (that is if they are interested at all in me). But for this I have to write a cover letter, send in a resume and a writing sample...all do able. Hopefully I"ll send that out on Tuesday.

**Side note about Chicago-My college career has been work work work work work work, not that I'm complaining but I feel I owe it to myself to go out and live in a fun place, and get the experience of living in a big city before I settle down in my dream town of Wilmington NC.  I know there are plenty of big cities that I can get this 'experience' at but my car sucks and Detroit is only a train ride away. Plus I know 3 people that live in Chi right now (MARY!!!) and if I were to get in any trouble I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I'd at least know someone.

4) Work for LLS anywhere- So I am willing to move anywhere, just not as a first choice but if I got to work for Team in Training I'd move anywhere. So I am going to apply to every Team In Training postion out there and if all else fails...But its such an incredible organization and Id love to be involved after I graduate.

5) Grad School in North Carolina- Of course North Carolina has made the list. Even though they have hurricanes I'm still willing to put a wet suit on and move there. NC has always been a place that I can see myself in, growing up having a career and starting my life. This isn't number on on the list because this is where I want to end up this is where I want to set up roots and not have to worry about moving around a lot. I would be so happy for my next step to lead me here, but I feel like there are other parts of myself that I need to discover before I fully grow up. But for this, I still need to write a personal statement, get reference and have my transcripts sent over.

I am terrified as I already mentioned, but I cannot wait to be 30 and look at this list and compare it to where I am now and laugh at myself for being so worried.  I am so excited to see really how this all plays out and I'm so happy that I have gotten this far and I'm well on the way for having my dreams come true...even if I only have a rough idea of what those dreams are.

I have a feeling this will be the most personal entry I've ever made, because my future is such a huge deal to me. Thanks for sharing in my life with me...and listening to me endlessly about life. (Karen)

Tue, May. 31st, 2011, 10:35 am

 Grand Rapids and Grand Valley have ruined LipDubs for me. The videos that they shot are NOT even technically LipDubs, they are music videos. Thanks for nothing GR and GV. 

Thu, Mar. 31st, 2011, 09:05 am

 I"ve never seen a smile that can light a room like yours.
its simply radiant I feel more with every day that goes by 
I"ll watch the clock to make my timing just right 
would it be okay, would it be okay if I took your breath away?

Tue, Mar. 29th, 2011, 12:13 pm

 I love what I"m doing, but the future is terrifying me all of a sudden. 

Sun, Jan. 9th, 2011, 10:57 pm

My ducks are in a row.


Mon, Nov. 22nd, 2010, 11:45 am
Thanks Karen

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people (no names!)

*You are such a good person, I don't know why you are being such a little shit right now. And its more than your just being a shit to me, its everyone that is around you. I know you are better than this. its time to grow up, Be an adult.
*I always thought that if something/someone got in between us, we could over come it. WE CAN'T. 
*You are my hero, and for lack of better terms my inspiration, you are a great person and I hope one day I can have even a fraction of the life you have, with some of your kindness.
*I miss you a lot, I wish that you had never left. You are a really good person, and you are amazing to talk to.
*You don't talk about your feelings a lot, which is how I know that you really mean everything you say. Its always sincere..however, I can't wait forever for you to open up.
*We have a very long history...and its complicated. But through it all I'm glad that you have remained in my life, I hope that you will for a long time.
*Stop getting close to me and then going away, then getting close and again leaving. Oh, and don't tell me everything just cause you feel like you have to make things up to me.
*You are a great mother, I know things are hard right now, but you will get through them. You are more than amazing to everyone that comes near you. Don't forget it.
*You are nice and funny. And you instantly put me in a better mood.  But if things don't go exactly right they will go terribly wrong.
*You truly are my best friend, I can tell you anything.  I know I got all of my strength from you. I love you so much.
*I'm so glad that we met, you are incredible. You are so kind and so giving.  You would do anything for anyone without thinking of yourself. Mother Teresa of our generation.
*I think if we run into eachother again, I'll be kinder. I realize I may have hurt you just as much as you've hurt me...We were good friends, but we didn't know eachother well enough to trust eachother so much and become so close. Its sad that our friendship had to end, but it happens. We had a lot of great times, and I will always remember those memories. I'm glad that you were apart of my life, and who knows maybe we could still be friends in the far future.
*I love you. You'll always have me in your life! You were born against the odds.  you are the coolest kid on earth. Chance, I cannot wait to watch you grow up and see the man that you will become.
*Lastly and most importantly.  I wish I could thank you for all that you have done this year for me.  I know I try to tell you, but it means so much that you have been there. You are always there, down for anything, any conversation. And you have great insight about everything. Plus, you like great music. You are a genuine person, probably the most, and I'm sure life will work out for you. You have determination and drive and a great personality. No one can hold you down. You are perfect, even your imperfections amaze me. [I'm a creep].

9 things about yourself (this is tough!!!)

-I'm silly.
-I make mistakes.
-I rely on people, even though I know they will let me down.
-I have very high expectations for everyone.
-I love music and I hate silence.
-I'm very bad at confrontations.
-I have a slight addiction to soda, sitcoms, and text messaging.
-I bottle up feelings, and I never talk about things that actually bother me.
-I also sing, a lot, and not well...usually accompanied by dancing, also not well.

8 ways to win your heart <3

1-8. Sing in the car at the very top of your lungs. make an ass out of yourself. that's most important
This is all you need to know.

7 things that often cross your mind

-I wonder what my life holds in the future. I wonder about children, and careers, and the places I'll see and the people I'll meet. I wonder if I"ll be a success, and I wonder if I'll be truly happy.
-I think...of mistakes I've made, and if there are ways to correct them, if so, how and have I done it.
-I think about Americorps, wondering if its just a long shot, what it will be like and the people I'll meet.
-I think whats is wrong with my car? Will it start? Should I just get a new one?
-I wonder what other people think about.
-Can I do it all? Or am I absurd for trying.

6 things you wish you never did

I can't wish I'd never done things.

5 Turn-Ons

-Sense of humor
-Good taste in music
-Facial hair
-Light eyes, dark hair :)
-Being casual and fun
****Thanks Karen. I didn't change a single one.

4 Turn-Offs

-"Alot" Its two words people.
-Insensitive jokes.
-the word 'retarded'
-smokers/ drug use.

3 Favorites

3.sport: Swimming to do, Basketball to watch.
2. movie: TommyBoy, Good Will Hunting, Date Night.
1. color: Green.

2 Things You Want to Do Before You Die:

Have Children
Change someones life.

1 Confession
I'm just doing the best with what I've been given.

Sat, Nov. 13th, 2010, 12:04 pm

I just want someone to be real with me, and tell me why.
I just want someone to be honest and tell me what I"m doing wrong.
I try.
and yet....

Tue, Nov. 9th, 2010, 10:53 pm

just had the longest most ridiculous livejournal entry of all time.
thanks livejournal.

Tue, Nov. 9th, 2010, 01:50 pm


Tue, Nov. 2nd, 2010, 04:50 pm


[Shortish Term]
Get Psychology Minor
Get Public and Non Profit Degree
Finish Americorps Application-Get accepted for Winter Season 2012
Graduate with a 3.5

[Long Term]
Be a mom
Be happy

Sat, Oct. 30th, 2010, 09:31 pm

m a d e  a  m i s t a k e

Mon, Oct. 25th, 2010, 07:10 pm

I love the idea of working in a Non-profit....but, I'm sick of being poor.

I've been poor since I was born, I came to college thinking I was going to get a good paying job, but the more and more I think about it I'm not going to get paid well at all. And it seems selfish to think like this, but is it too much to ask for some financial security at some point in my life. Is it crazy that one day I'm going to want to support a family. This makes me wonder if I should change my degree into something that will get me some money, and just keep volunteering on the side.

As much as I'm sick of being poor, I'm much more sick of saying bye to friends.  I'm at that point in my life where it actually takes a lot of work to keep a friendship going.  A lot of these were bound to fail, but others have been surprising me.  Some are because of people moving, drifting apart or just people being dumbasses. We can't all be friends forever and I get that, its just, my senior year in college and this is going to become a much more prominent part of my life, having to say goodbye.

Tue, Oct. 5th, 2010, 12:16 am

Karen Hain...
Tonight I've realized something.

This whole year I've been trying to remember to bring my camera to every 'event' that I go to so I can fully capture my 'senior year', however its nights like tonight where you don't think about taking pictures.  But these are the nights that I'd rather remember than football games and lipdub.  Its nights where all we do is laugh about anything, make cupcakes and talk. Those are the moments that I wish I could scrapbook, so I can look back and remember this night for as long as I live. But thats the beauty of those nights...

Mon, Oct. 4th, 2010, 09:49 am

I knew that I would miss him, but I miss him and my family a lot today.

I wish I could go home.

Mon, Sep. 13th, 2010, 10:41 am

Just what the hell were you thinking?  I just want to say that although I wish you didn't have this ability, you RUINED my birthday. What makes you think that you are someone I wanted to hear from?  2ish months ago you had someone threatening me, that you were going to kick my ass...and you literally thought I'd want to hear from you.  I don't even care if you had no idea she was going to do that. You told her about what we talked about...what did you think was going to come of that? Did you think she'd be happy!? Therefore it is your fault. I feel like that was rude and immature.  I think that you put me in the middle of something that I had no reason to be involved in.  your actions hurt me, and I expected better from you.  I thought we were friends, even as complicated as our relationship was.  I don't blame her at all, I would be pist too.

Tue, Jul. 27th, 2010, 10:00 pm

I know that by saying what you said, your intentions were to hurt me.
I'm glad that I got the chance to tell you that you succeeded.
Listen, I know what I offered was taken the wrong way...understandably.

But, I was hurt...and now I have moved on.

I have realized a few things:
I do need to grow up... I am still young, not even 21 yet.  I know there are things that I need to change and this has helped me start looking at those things seriously.  I need to start not only recognizing the things about me that suck, but I need to do something about them. Which is what I intend to do.

I also learned that even with my flaws, I'm very happy with the person that I"m becoming...even if you arn't. 

With all that being said, I hate how girls get mad at girls, but never at the guy....

this is hodge podge and I'll update more later but I'm tired now, and bed will follow.

Tue, Jul. 20th, 2010, 10:36 pm

Thank you Itouch for saving important messages that would have otherwise been deleted.

Fri, Jun. 18th, 2010, 05:42 am

Of all the time that I have spent looking.
Of all the people that I was envious of.
Finally, I believe I have found a passion.

Thu, May. 20th, 2010, 08:19 pm

Nights and Weekends by The Starting Line

And I said, I've been thinking a lot about you, is it true, do you hate me
on the nights and weekends.

Wed, May. 19th, 2010, 09:19 pm

I want to tell everyone what they mean to me.  I don't want to wait. I don't want to look back on life and say I wish they knew what I really thought of them.  I want people to know I'm grateful to everyone who has touched my life. 

Wed, Apr. 7th, 2010, 01:20 pm

I want this scavenger hunt to be a success, more than I could ever express.
I need to see that hard work does pay off.
I need to see that I'm not going to fail at everything I try.

Tue, Mar. 23rd, 2010, 05:47 pm
I took this from my grandma's email, I just love it.

  • I Believe... 
That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other.
  • I Believe...
That we don't have to change our friends if we understand that friends change.
  • I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
  • I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that gives you heartache for life.
  • I Believe...
That its taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
  • I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
  • I Belive...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
  • I Believe...
That either you control your attitude, or it controls you.
  • I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
  • I Belive...
That the ones whom you'd expect to kick you while your down, might be the ones who help you get back up.
  • I Belive...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
  • I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what type of experience you've had and what you've learned from them and less than how many birthday's you've celebrated.
  • I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
  • I Believe...
That two people can look at the exact same thing, and see something totally different.
  • I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

Sun, Mar. 21st, 2010, 11:53 pm

A wise person once told me that its okay to think about the past, as long as you think about the future more. Lately though, I don't think I can say that I have been putting to much thought on the future.

my past has been on my mind a lot lately; but in a good way I think.

I guess I've just been thinking about when I first started here. The life in the dorms, my friends, just being new to it all, still being excited. At this point I feel like I"m just ready to start my life. I"ve been here for 3 years. I"ve grown a lot, I"ve learned so much about myself.

I"m able to recommit to the half marathon. I was so excited to hear Donna say that I would be able to. At first I didn't want her to make any special calls for me or to pull any extra strings for me. I guess I"ve just been so independent for so long I don't know how to let people help me. Its hard for me to ask for help. I like knowing that I can do things for myself and I like that if push comes to shove I'll be able to hold my own ground. But I also like that they see something in me enough to help me out with this. For the first time in a long time I feel worth something. I feel like I'm doing something greater than myself. I know I couldn't do any of this without the help of Brenda or Donna. I just hope that it works. If this fundraiser doesn't work out...I don't even know; It will let a lot of people down.

Speaking of the fundraiser. There are days where I feel just absolutely confident, I"m sure that 200 people will come. Other days I'm sure 10 people won't come. It makes me feel very bi-polar. I've just put a lot of work into it, and some days it feels like I just don't know where to go next or how else I can make others as excited as I am. I am excited for it though. I've never worked so hard on something in my life. It has to work out, expecially since Donna extended my re-commitment date by one day.

I still sometimes think about Danielle. I know I put on a strong face about that sitation, I pretend I'm mad so people can't see that I'm still sad about it. Its just crazy to still be sad. I only knew her for a year. I sometimes just want to send her a message and say sorry. Ask if we can start all over. But I can't.

Out of all my downtown visits this semester, my most recent visit caught me off gaurd. I take Fulton downtown usually and of course Fulton back up, so there is no real reason to be at the intersection where Pearl becomes Lake Michigan. However, this last time I went to see if Kristin was in the lobby of the school so I took this route. I guess I was just suprised I had to stop for a second and just think about it. I sat down for a second...had a good smile and kept on walking. Next time I"ll take Fulton again.

I get to go home this summer, and I'm actually really excited. I'll hopefully be working with Joe'l again. I'm kind of nervous because a lot will be different from the last time I was home. For instance my dad will be living with my grandma. I havn't lived with my dad since I was in like 2nd grade. I'm nervous for this. I think that he will try to 'parent' me. In which case...I'm not a child. I live on my own and have since I was 17 years old. Also if there is any parenting going on, it will be from grandma.

I found a website where you can turn your livejournal into a book. I think I'm going to do it. I think what I really want to do is have a 2 book series..before college and during college. It will be fun to have that near by. I can't believe how long I've had this. Its interesting to go back and see who I was in my first entry, compared to the person I've become today.

Well I guess this is it for me.

Mon, Nov. 9th, 2009, 01:11 pm

i think, i hate you.
i wish i didn't know you

Sun, Oct. 11th, 2009, 03:13 pm

Dear Future Husband...

We WILL be doing some amazing dancing at our wedding.  

Wed, Sep. 23rd, 2009, 11:30 pm

heres my white flag you can have it

Sat, Sep. 19th, 2009, 06:12 pm

Needs to find a new dream now, on to plan B...


I'm becoming the failure I've always feared I would be.

Wed, Sep. 16th, 2009, 11:40 am

Dear Nameless:

I don't know if I"m right in who I think you are, but clearly you are hurt or bothered by something.  Now since I don't know you, I don't know what is causing this.  I don't know if this sounds good to you, but here is a solution.  I'll leave my phone number on here, along with my email address.  Talk to me, tell me why your pist, it might make you feel better to get it off your chest.  If you ask me anything I will answer honestly.  A friend of mine recently told me that he doesn't understand why girls can be so behind closed doors about things.  I don't know if your a girl, but you never know.  Anyways, I hope that you take me up on this offer, I hope that this gives you a chance to feel better about whatever is bothering you, or gives you a chance to ask anything about anything. 

Phone: 616-821-1373
E-mail- cher912sp@yahoo.com

Do whatever your comortable with, even if it is to not do anything..just know the offer is on the table.
Have a good day.


Tue, Sep. 15th, 2009, 11:38 pm

Tomorrow I'm sending in my post secret.

Sun, Sep. 13th, 2009, 11:46 pm

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart..... i'll always be with you.” ~ Winnie the Pooh ♥

Sun, Sep. 13th, 2009, 03:17 pm

I think I know who you are, and if I'm right...

I'm sorry.
but I don't understand why you are mad at me....

Mon, Jul. 6th, 2009, 10:48 pm

I feel like slaming my head in a wall.
I can really make a mess of situations huh?

Tue, May. 26th, 2009, 08:55 pm


Fri, May. 8th, 2009, 12:28 pm

I am a cliche.
I love you, I'm just not in love with you.


Mon, Feb. 9th, 2009, 05:14 pm

I am really upset.
I cannot believe that this is happening again, I cannot be failing again!

How come this is so difficult for me?
Why can't I concentrate, why can't I spell concentrate? Why can't I spell anything?

Am I lazy? Am I not giving it my all?  Do I really want to be here? Am I wasting time and money?

What do I want to do with my life?  Why is that question so scary? Why do I have to ask that question?

What can I do to change this?  What can I do to change me?  What can I do to get back to being ME?

I really need to get my head in the game
I just don't know how.

Tue, Jan. 13th, 2009, 05:34 pm

It used to petrify me, the idea that I would one day live paycheck to paycheck. 
I used to think that it meant that I wasn't finacially secure, that I would live my entire life this way if I did it once.
But either I'm growing up or I'm growing lazy.

I am only working one job, and thus creating a new finacial situation for myself. 
And I am not feeling frightened by this, I'm feeling freed.

I'm in college, I'm supposed to be poor, and I have too much on my plate to start worrying about  finacial life after college.
It has just occured to me, I don't need to worry about buying a house after college, I need to spend my time getting through college first.

So here is to finacial freedom and finacial burden in the same entry.


ps. I'm still torn, and my life is still such a mess.
I freaked out on Molly and Kristin and now I feel aweful, the entire time it was happening all I could think was that now they probabably will not want to live with my next year if this is how I really am.  That is what I was thinking.  They said that it was okay, but to me it isn't.  But I need to focus, I need to keep my head in the game and graduate so I can become the person I want to become.  I just need to keep my head in the game. But it really scares me when I freak out like that, I freaked out over a camera. 

Its just like what happened with my car. I need to find a way to channel all this built up anger so that little things don't set me over the edge.

This is a big month for me, lots of things happening.  And I'm very excited, I'll give you a run down:

This weekend, A visitor   =]
The next weekend Chi-Town
The weekend After Haircut/color
The following weekend Presidence Ball
The very next weekend Valentines Day, which isn't actually that exciting, but..

And that is about it!

However, I am ready to give up, and I know I will feel freed by that as well.

I might have health insurance soon, and that is more than good news!

Over this weekend Molly, Kellyn, Danielle, Callie, and I all went to go see BrideWars, and that movie made me assess a lot of things in my life, and it made me very sad that I wasn't able to go to Crystal's wedding, we have been together for so many big moments in life, and that was a huge thing in her life, and I wasn't there for her. 

Over and Out.

Mon, Jan. 5th, 2009, 11:13 pm
I want

I want:

To move to North Carolina
To have 4 or 5 children
    preferably one set of twins
To be happy in my job
    but mostly I'd love to be a stay at home mom
To take a train to a random city in NC and just walk around for a day.
To have someone throw pebbles at my window
To stay in bed all day doing nothing
    preferably with someone
To dance for hours straight
To participate in a marathon
    or a triatholon
To scream at someone when they make me mad
To host a murder mystery party
To be a part of a book club
    actually I'd love my career to be a book reviewer, or a food taster
To learn how to cook
To have a scavanger hunt that takes me around the US
    or at least GR
To get an A in Organic
To stay up all night having a great talk
    so good that you don't even realize that its morning

There is probably more, but for now, this is my list.

Fri, Dec. 19th, 2008, 03:47 am

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
well, they work in both ways
But if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Crystal, I'm very sad to see you go.  I know that we have had our ups and downs, and I know that lately it just seems as though we have a lot more downs than ups, but that is what friendships are about, actually thats what life is about, making it through the downs and getting the most out of the ups. I'm so glad that I did spend your last day or whatever with you, I know that I would have regreted it if I didn't.  Which I almost didn't, I was soo mad that you didn't come to GR, and I just flew off the handle, and I kind of threw a fit about meeting up with your friends, I just wanted you all to myself for your last day.  I am glad that I got to meet your friends.  I'm just going to miss you.  I know sometimes I may have complained about our friendship and everything thought we had a bad friendship, but seriously, our friendship was the shit.  Your an amazing person and, looking back on our friendship over these past 4ish or 5ish years or whatever I truely see how much you have shaped my life.  I am the person I am today partly thanks to you.  We share a lot of the same mannerisms, and sayings, we have the same sense of humor, and we are hurt by the same things.  So thanks for sticking around.  I hope that your life will be all you have hoped it to be and more.  I'm glad that you are taking a risk, and I think it will work out for you.  And if it doesn't, you got me.

Heres to you:
  • One day I was crying because I found out that a boyfriend cheated on me, I looked over at you tears on my cheeks, just to see your face also covered with tears.
  • You drove over my mom's house, miles and miles away from your house to see me daily after my surgery, bearing gifts of starbucks and a positive attitude.
  • When the rest of the whores at Regina disliked me because I wasn't "thier kind" you stuck by my side, you waited for me at our lockers when the rest of the girls told you to hurry up so I didn't walk with you.
  • You plucked my eyebrows for picture day in the 11th grade, because I had no idea how to do it.
  • You didn't discourage me when I thought it was a good idea to incorporate 3 colors into my eyeshadow in that redick pattern, as a matter of fact, I believe you did it as well.
  • I mean we get haircuts together.
  • One day in Starbucks, there was a guy that was hitting on you, and we made out, trying to convince him that we were lesbians, that he didn't have a shot with you, You are marrying him in 2 days.
  • We got our industrials pierced, shit son your eyes got sooo big.
  • You came up to school with me on move in day, to make sure everything got put together correctly [Mrs. Architect}, and to make sure my roomie wasn't a crazy.
At the end of the day, our friendship was perfect.  We've laughed togehter, cried together, yelled at eachother, hugged eachother, made promises, broken promises, bought prom dresses together.  Crystal you have been there with me through so many events in my life, and I just want you to know that I have many more events in my life that I need you to be around for, so you can't get rid of me yet.

Sat, Dec. 13th, 2008, 04:31 pm

Its 4:31, and I have been in bed most of the day.   I love this.  I love not feeling guilty, I literally have nothing to do, no tests to study for, no job to go to, nothing..I read for a while, layed around listened to music, slept, scrapbooked and reflected...I am relaxing...For the first time in months I am chill.

This morning at work, a kid told me this story of kids he went to high school with, these kids literally threw out all responsibly, they jumps trains and set up camp wherever the train takes them. They have been all over the US, not a care in the world. I am jealous of these kids.  I want to live free, without rules, without roots, I want to travel, and have no responsiblites.   What an amazing concept.  I guess in a way I'd find myself..Something that lately I have been lacking:
1. I have failed a college class..Organic Chem, I guess this woul be a little easier to swallow if I felt I deserved to fail, but honestly I put a lot of work into that failure, and now to just retake it, is a blow to the face.  I guess its okay though that I put that much work into it, because a part of me feels as though it wasn't a waste, I did try.  I studied for 30 hours to recieve a 50 percent on one test...I can look back on that class and I know I tried my hardest. 
2. I am quick to give up.  I've been through some pretty tough stuff in my life, but lately any road block that comes my way is too much to handle.  I don't think I want to pursue the nursing thing anymore, because of the earlier mentioned failure, its just hard and frusterating.  I know its what I want to do, and I don't just want it handed to me, but is it too much to ask for something to go according to plan?  For not everything I approach in life to be a struggle.    My plan at this point is to keep going for another semester, see how the class retake goes, get my minor out of the way, and transfer to Wayne or some other not rediculas school.  Grand Valley is the only school to demand classes like Biochem and Genetics.  I love Grand Valley but honestly I'm wasting money I don't have here, living here and failing here. 

Also even if am by some mircle able to pass all my classes, and be ready to apply for the nursing program, I still can't.  I have to have health insurance to even apply...which thank you Fibrous Dysplasia will cost me about 500 a month....So lets just assume that I have passed my classes, found a way to get health insurance, who is to say that I will even get into the nursing program.

Every obstacle is taking more fight out of me...but I still have a little left, and overall life has been good, hard but good, and I think that I can achieve it...I know I can, because in the end, I really want to be a nurse.  My want excedes anything at this point.

I'm going to finish a chaper of my life in the coming days.  And I am sadly excited, This chapers end is the perfect intro into the next, which will hopefully flow smoothly and flawlessly. 

Overall..Life is a B+...Failed a class, so minor set back to utter happiness..But I'm on break so that is a huge increase to happiness.  and laying in bed also a huge plus..only second to old bed days.

Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance.

Tue, Dec. 9th, 2008, 03:18 pm

I am currently working on a project.
I havn't been this excited in almost a year.
I love this idea..

Music is wonderful.

Wed, Nov. 26th, 2008, 03:46 pm


This thanksgiving I have many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for my family, I complain about them a lot, but honestly I couldn't be happier about these crazy ass people.  My nephew is the most beautiful person in the world, and my sister is doing such a good job with him.  I'm thankful that whenever I'm having a bad day I know I can always depend on my sister or my grandma.  I know there are many other people I could call, but I really rely on these people and I'm so glad that I have them.  I love my grandma so much and I don't know what I would do without her, I know I get down a little about my parents, but she has gone over and beyond what any parent even has to do, she is more than a parent figure to me, she is a friend, and a pretty damn good one at that.  I love her, and I miss her when I"m here, pretty much all of the time.  Also I'm really glad that everything is going well with my mom, her health and relationship everything, I'm so glad that something has opened her eyes and that we are now getting closer finally.  In general my family is just really awesome and I"m so glad that they are in my life.

2.  I'm thankful for my friends, I know that this past couple months I have had some issues with a really good friend, but I truely do see things turning around and maybe getting back to semi normal.  I'm so happy that I have Molly and Kristin in my life, this summer Krisitn showed what an amazing friend that she is, she is one of the most thoughful people ever, and she puts everyone before herself.  I'm just thankful that we looked past our initial differences to find out that we are basically the same, and that we mesh so well together as friends.  Molly is so funny, and I'm glad that I have her sense of humor around on the stupid days.  She also is another person that I can turn to.  Both of these girls give wonderful advice and understand that sometimes you don't need to talk to feel better but what you sometimes need is a little backstreet boys and a dance party.  Maybe a pen as a microphone...We are such dorks.  I'm glad that I have David in my life as well.  He is a reallly nice guy.  Crystal and I are on again and that is wonderful news, I miss her when she isn't invovled in my life and I need her most of the time, I don't know if she realizes this but she is a huge part of who I am today.  I'm just glad that I have friends that can relate to my life, and that know me so well.

3.  I'm thankful for getting the opportunity to come out here to Grand Rapids, I hate it almost 54% of the time, but its only because it can be lonely and scary, and new, and terrifying to move to a new place, but I do like all the moments that I'm here.  I'm so glad that I'm going to school, and I cannot wait until I start my life fully, and that I can help all the people that I want to.  I also enjoy going to school, some classes are not so enjoyable but others really can spark ideas in my head, and I think make me a more well rounded person.  I am also greatful for GR because all that it has taught me outside of school, there is a lot of religion out here which opens my eyes to others opinions and beliefs, it also taught me a sense of direction, and that I can be myself whereever I go.  And thanks a lot government without you a furthered education would not be possible.

4. Life.

Your list may not look like mine, but I hope that you have something to be thankful for this year.  Its true that today is a gift and thats why we call it the present, every aspect of life is wonderful, even when we feel that it is! 

If your ever having a bad day, I hope that you hold your head high, take a walk around the block and open your eyes to find something that keeps you hanging in there!  Call up a friend, and if all else fails Dancing cures EVERYTHING.

and last but certainly not least. I'm thankful for MUSIC.  most of the time, I take my ipod for granted, but music can alter my mood, it says the thigns I can't find the words for.  Its a friend thats always there and is never judgemental.  I love it.

Tue, Nov. 25th, 2008, 09:40 am

I believe that some things hold meaning, based on the idea that they are meaningless.
There is a beauty in finding your own meaning, interpretations that are only yours.

A while ago there was this song, that I thought had no meaning, and truely maybe it doens't. but now to me it does; for many reasons.
and I believe that because of the fact that I spent so much time trying to give this song meaning, that in a way, just the attempt holds meaning, and memories, and my thoughts.  I don't know, lately I've been working on very little sleep so this might not make sense but.....my delusions make sense to me. he.

Lately I've been thinking about the past too much, like reading my old el jay entries from like early high school, and my feelings on that chapter of my life are inconclusive.  I think of them with some regrets, some happy times, some sad times, and some things I wouldn't change for the world, but I think that everyone looks back on times in thier life with the same attitude, but thats the thing about the past, knowing it helps you in the future, I say you don't only learn from mistakes but you learn from the good decesions as well.  But I want to stop looking to the past, because there is nothing I can do about that, I just need to join 2008!  And another thing, I always say gosh a year ago today what was I doing, I need to change that question to say something like a year from now where will I be.  Who will still be around.  I think thats what I liek about old el jay entries though, is that it is so easy to compare, you just look up today's date a year ago and see where your life was going, what you were doing and who was involved....I don't need livejournal to know what I was doing this time last year though.

So I say..I can't wait to see what things work out for next year...Hopefully...I'll be living with Molly and Kristin and Blucher, and HOPEFULLY that will be going well.  Hopefully, I'll be getting all A's. (haha). Hopefully, I won't be working two jobs, but I more than likely will. Hopefully, I"ll be getting ready to go and see Chance and his second Thanksgiving. Hopefully I will be volunteering somewhere.  Mostly I hope that in a year, I'll look back at this livejournal entry and tell myself good job on making your dreams come true.


Mon, Nov. 24th, 2008, 02:39 pm

I wish I could just talk to you.
I know that I messed that up and its really my fault that we arn't close anymore, but I wish that we could go get coffee, discuss our new lives. Nothing ground breaking, not to analyze it, or anything along those lines. Just talk, face to face. Cause believe it or not, you are wonderful to talk to, and that is what I miss most about you.

Overall things are going well, I suppose.  School is going, I'm actually looking into where I want to go to nursing school, I'm looking at nonmichigan schools and so far I have a few idea, but I'll have to visit and then there is always applying.  I get to go home soon, and I cannot wait, I feel as though it has been forever since I have been there last.  Speaking of a lot of time, I find it very hard to believe its already Novemeber, wow.  This semester if flying. 

Today I signed a lease with Molly and Kristin and Blucher, I'm pretty excited about it, but honestly very nervous at the same time, I know that we are good friends and things but its very hard for me not to jump to the assumptio that this will be just like it is when I moved in with Danielle, honestly last year we were the "inseparable Duo", now I don't even know if we are friends.  its a heartbreaking concept.  Molly and Kristin are such good friends of mine I would almost rather not live with them just so we can stay friends. 

I want so badly to just have some free time to do something enjoyable once in a while, but I'm swamped all the time, I know its my own doing but you know, gotta make that bread.  Lol.  I can't wait until Decemeber when I just have like 2 weeks of straight sleeping/scrapbooking/grandma/chance/reading time.  Maybe I'll go to another state, see an old friend.  Who knows. 

I love snow, but I hate driving in it, and today when I drive home I get to pass where I got into my accident last year...Im petrified.

I guess I have stalled long enough on this paper...I should get back to the constant hussle and bussel that is my life.

Thu, Oct. 30th, 2008, 04:38 pm

Never in my life have I ever questioned my independence.
I am an independant person and I love that about myself
I can do anything I want to and I can rely on myself to do it and if I can't then I independently make the desision to involve others.


Sun, Oct. 19th, 2008, 10:35 am

I FUCKING hate living here! 

I hate that when I'm upset about something, I try to handle the situation I feel reasonably and even thought I start off being mad the other party gets mad at me, turns it around and they thing they are the ones that are right.


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