Cheryl

i think, i hate you.
i wish i didn't know you

Dear Future Husband...

We WILL be doing some amazing dancing at our wedding.  

heres my white flag you can have it

Needs to find a new dream now, on to plan B...

=[

I'm becoming the failure I've always feared I would be.

Dear Nameless:

I don't know if I"m right in who I think you are, but clearly you are hurt or bothered by something.  Now since I don't know you, I don't know what is causing this.  I don't know if this sounds good to you, but here is a solution.  I'll leave my phone number on here, along with my email address.  Talk to me, tell me why your pist, it might make you feel better to get it off your chest.  If you ask me anything I will answer honestly.  A friend of mine recently told me that he doesn't understand why girls can be so behind closed doors about things.  I don't know if your a girl, but you never know.  Anyways, I hope that you take me up on this offer, I hope that this gives you a chance to feel better about whatever is bothering you, or gives you a chance to ask anything about anything. 

Phone: 616-821-1373
E-mail- cher912sp@yahoo.com

Do whatever your comortable with, even if it is to not do anything..just know the offer is on the table.
Have a good day.

Cheryl

Tomorrow I'm sending in my post secret.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart..... i'll always be with you.” ~ Winnie the Pooh ♥

I think I know who you are, and if I'm right...

I'm sorry.
but I don't understand why you are mad at me....

I feel like slaming my head in a wall.
I can really make a mess of situations huh?

WONDERFUL

I am a cliche.
I love you, I'm just not in love with you.

Really?

I am really upset.
I cannot believe that this is happening again, I cannot be failing again!

How come this is so difficult for me?
Why can't I concentrate, why can't I spell concentrate? Why can't I spell anything?

Am I lazy? Am I not giving it my all?  Do I really want to be here? Am I wasting time and money?

What do I want to do with my life?  Why is that question so scary? Why do I have to ask that question?

What can I do to change this?  What can I do to change me?  What can I do to get back to being ME?




I really need to get my head in the game
I just don't know how.

It used to petrify me, the idea that I would one day live paycheck to paycheck. 
I used to think that it meant that I wasn't finacially secure, that I would live my entire life this way if I did it once.
But either I'm growing up or I'm growing lazy.

I am only working one job, and thus creating a new finacial situation for myself. 
And I am not feeling frightened by this, I'm feeling freed.

I'm in college, I'm supposed to be poor, and I have too much on my plate to start worrying about  finacial life after college.
It has just occured to me, I don't need to worry about buying a house after college, I need to spend my time getting through college first.

So here is to finacial freedom and finacial burden in the same entry.


=]

ps. I'm still torn, and my life is still such a mess.
I freaked out on Molly and Kristin and now I feel aweful, the entire time it was happening all I could think was that now they probabably will not want to live with my next year if this is how I really am.  That is what I was thinking.  They said that it was okay, but to me it isn't.  But I need to focus, I need to keep my head in the game and graduate so I can become the person I want to become.  I just need to keep my head in the game. But it really scares me when I freak out like that, I freaked out over a camera. 

Its just like what happened with my car. I need to find a way to channel all this built up anger so that little things don't set me over the edge.

This is a big month for me, lots of things happening.  And I'm very excited, I'll give you a run down:

This weekend, A visitor   =]
The next weekend Chi-Town
The weekend After Haircut/color
The following weekend Presidence Ball
The very next weekend Valentines Day, which isn't actually that exciting, but..

And that is about it!

However, I am ready to give up, and I know I will feel freed by that as well.

I might have health insurance soon, and that is more than good news!

Over this weekend Molly, Kellyn, Danielle, Callie, and I all went to go see BrideWars, and that movie made me assess a lot of things in my life, and it made me very sad that I wasn't able to go to Crystal's wedding, we have been together for so many big moments in life, and that was a huge thing in her life, and I wasn't there for her. 

Over and Out.

I want:

To move to North Carolina
To have 4 or 5 children
    preferably one set of twins
To be happy in my job
    but mostly I'd love to be a stay at home mom
To take a train to a random city in NC and just walk around for a day.
To have someone throw pebbles at my window
To stay in bed all day doing nothing
    preferably with someone
To dance for hours straight
To participate in a marathon
    or a triatholon
To scream at someone when they make me mad
To host a murder mystery party
To be a part of a book club
    actually I'd love my career to be a book reviewer, or a food taster
To learn how to cook
To have a scavanger hunt that takes me around the US
    or at least GR
To get an A in Organic
To stay up all night having a great talk
    so good that you don't even realize that its morning

There is probably more, but for now, this is my list.

And it's okay if you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
well, they work in both ways
But if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
     j.Mraz

Crystal, I'm very sad to see you go.  I know that we have had our ups and downs, and I know that lately it just seems as though we have a lot more downs than ups, but that is what friendships are about, actually thats what life is about, making it through the downs and getting the most out of the ups. I'm so glad that I did spend your last day or whatever with you, I know that I would have regreted it if I didn't.  Which I almost didn't, I was soo mad that you didn't come to GR, and I just flew off the handle, and I kind of threw a fit about meeting up with your friends, I just wanted you all to myself for your last day.  I am glad that I got to meet your friends.  I'm just going to miss you.  I know sometimes I may have complained about our friendship and everything thought we had a bad friendship, but seriously, our friendship was the shit.  Your an amazing person and, looking back on our friendship over these past 4ish or 5ish years or whatever I truely see how much you have shaped my life.  I am the person I am today partly thanks to you.  We share a lot of the same mannerisms, and sayings, we have the same sense of humor, and we are hurt by the same things.  So thanks for sticking around.  I hope that your life will be all you have hoped it to be and more.  I'm glad that you are taking a risk, and I think it will work out for you.  And if it doesn't, you got me.

Heres to you:

• One day I was crying because I found out that a boyfriend cheated on me, I looked over at you tears on my cheeks, just to see your face also covered with tears.
• You drove over my mom's house, miles and miles away from your house to see me daily after my surgery, bearing gifts of starbucks and a positive attitude.
• When the rest of the whores at Regina disliked me because I wasn't "thier kind" you stuck by my side, you waited for me at our lockers when the rest of the girls told you to hurry up so I didn't walk with you.
• You plucked my eyebrows for picture day in the 11th grade, because I had no idea how to do it.
• You didn't discourage me when I thought it was a good idea to incorporate 3 colors into my eyeshadow in that redick pattern, as a matter of fact, I believe you did it as well.
• I mean we get haircuts together.
• One day in Starbucks, there was a guy that was hitting on you, and we made out, trying to convince him that we were lesbians, that he didn't have a shot with you, You are marrying him in 2 days.
• We got our industrials pierced, shit son your eyes got sooo big.
• You came up to school with me on move in day, to make sure everything got put together correctly [Mrs. Architect}, and to make sure my roomie wasn't a crazy.

At the end of the day, our friendship was perfect.  We've laughed togehter, cried together, yelled at eachother, hugged eachother, made promises, broken promises, bought prom dresses together.  Crystal you have been there with me through so many events in my life, and I just want you to know that I have many more events in my life that I need you to be around for, so you can't get rid of me yet.

Its 4:31, and I have been in bed most of the day.   I love this.  I love not feeling guilty, I literally have nothing to do, no tests to study for, no job to go to, nothing..I read for a while, layed around listened to music, slept, scrapbooked and reflected...I am relaxing...For the first time in months I am chill.

This morning at work, a kid told me this story of kids he went to high school with, these kids literally threw out all responsibly, they jumps trains and set up camp wherever the train takes them. They have been all over the US, not a care in the world. I am jealous of these kids.  I want to live free, without rules, without roots, I want to travel, and have no responsiblites.   What an amazing concept.  I guess in a way I'd find myself..Something that lately I have been lacking:
1. I have failed a college class..Organic Chem, I guess this woul be a little easier to swallow if I felt I deserved to fail, but honestly I put a lot of work into that failure, and now to just retake it, is a blow to the face.  I guess its okay though that I put that much work into it, because a part of me feels as though it wasn't a waste, I did try.  I studied for 30 hours to recieve a 50 percent on one test...I can look back on that class and I know I tried my hardest. 
2. I am quick to give up.  I've been through some pretty tough stuff in my life, but lately any road block that comes my way is too much to handle.  I don't think I want to pursue the nursing thing anymore, because of the earlier mentioned failure, its just hard and frusterating.  I know its what I want to do, and I don't just want it handed to me, but is it too much to ask for something to go according to plan?  For not everything I approach in life to be a struggle.    My plan at this point is to keep going for another semester, see how the class retake goes, get my minor out of the way, and transfer to Wayne or some other not rediculas school.  Grand Valley is the only school to demand classes like Biochem and Genetics.  I love Grand Valley but honestly I'm wasting money I don't have here, living here and failing here. 

Also even if am by some mircle able to pass all my classes, and be ready to apply for the nursing program, I still can't.  I have to have health insurance to even apply...which thank you Fibrous Dysplasia will cost me about 500 a month....So lets just assume that I have passed my classes, found a way to get health insurance, who is to say that I will even get into the nursing program.

Every obstacle is taking more fight out of me...but I still have a little left, and overall life has been good, hard but good, and I think that I can achieve it...I know I can, because in the end, I really want to be a nurse.  My want excedes anything at this point.

I'm going to finish a chaper of my life in the coming days.  And I am sadly excited, This chapers end is the perfect intro into the next, which will hopefully flow smoothly and flawlessly. 

Overall..Life is a B+...Failed a class, so minor set back to utter happiness..But I'm on break so that is a huge increase to happiness.  and laying in bed also a huge plus..only second to old bed days.

Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance.

I am currently working on a project.
I havn't been this excited in almost a year.
AHHHH.
I love this idea..

Music is wonderful.

Thanksgiving.

This thanksgiving I have many things to be thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for my family, I complain about them a lot, but honestly I couldn't be happier about these crazy ass people.  My nephew is the most beautiful person in the world, and my sister is doing such a good job with him.  I'm thankful that whenever I'm having a bad day I know I can always depend on my sister or my grandma.  I know there are many other people I could call, but I really rely on these people and I'm so glad that I have them.  I love my grandma so much and I don't know what I would do without her, I know I get down a little about my parents, but she has gone over and beyond what any parent even has to do, she is more than a parent figure to me, she is a friend, and a pretty damn good one at that.  I love her, and I miss her when I"m here, pretty much all of the time.  Also I'm really glad that everything is going well with my mom, her health and relationship everything, I'm so glad that something has opened her eyes and that we are now getting closer finally.  In general my family is just really awesome and I"m so glad that they are in my life.

2.  I'm thankful for my friends, I know that this past couple months I have had some issues with a really good friend, but I truely do see things turning around and maybe getting back to semi normal.  I'm so happy that I have Molly and Kristin in my life, this summer Krisitn showed what an amazing friend that she is, she is one of the most thoughful people ever, and she puts everyone before herself.  I'm just thankful that we looked past our initial differences to find out that we are basically the same, and that we mesh so well together as friends.  Molly is so funny, and I'm glad that I have her sense of humor around on the stupid days.  She also is another person that I can turn to.  Both of these girls give wonderful advice and understand that sometimes you don't need to talk to feel better but what you sometimes need is a little backstreet boys and a dance party.  Maybe a pen as a microphone...We are such dorks.  I'm glad that I have David in my life as well.  He is a reallly nice guy.  Crystal and I are on again and that is wonderful news, I miss her when she isn't invovled in my life and I need her most of the time, I don't know if she realizes this but she is a huge part of who I am today.  I'm just glad that I have friends that can relate to my life, and that know me so well.

3.  I'm thankful for getting the opportunity to come out here to Grand Rapids, I hate it almost 54% of the time, but its only because it can be lonely and scary, and new, and terrifying to move to a new place, but I do like all the moments that I'm here.  I'm so glad that I'm going to school, and I cannot wait until I start my life fully, and that I can help all the people that I want to.  I also enjoy going to school, some classes are not so enjoyable but others really can spark ideas in my head, and I think make me a more well rounded person.  I am also greatful for GR because all that it has taught me outside of school, there is a lot of religion out here which opens my eyes to others opinions and beliefs, it also taught me a sense of direction, and that I can be myself whereever I go.  And thanks a lot government without you a furthered education would not be possible.

4. Life.

Your list may not look like mine, but I hope that you have something to be thankful for this year.  Its true that today is a gift and thats why we call it the present, every aspect of life is wonderful, even when we feel that it is! 

If your ever having a bad day, I hope that you hold your head high, take a walk around the block and open your eyes to find something that keeps you hanging in there!  Call up a friend, and if all else fails Dancing cures EVERYTHING.

and last but certainly not least. I'm thankful for MUSIC.  most of the time, I take my ipod for granted, but music can alter my mood, it says the thigns I can't find the words for.  Its a friend thats always there and is never judgemental.  I love it.

I believe that some things hold meaning, based on the idea that they are meaningless.
There is a beauty in finding your own meaning, interpretations that are only yours.

A while ago there was this song, that I thought had no meaning, and truely maybe it doens't. but now to me it does; for many reasons.
and I believe that because of the fact that I spent so much time trying to give this song meaning, that in a way, just the attempt holds meaning, and memories, and my thoughts.  I don't know, lately I've been working on very little sleep so this might not make sense but.....my delusions make sense to me. he.

Lately I've been thinking about the past too much, like reading my old el jay entries from like early high school, and my feelings on that chapter of my life are inconclusive.  I think of them with some regrets, some happy times, some sad times, and some things I wouldn't change for the world, but I think that everyone looks back on times in thier life with the same attitude, but thats the thing about the past, knowing it helps you in the future, I say you don't only learn from mistakes but you learn from the good decesions as well.  But I want to stop looking to the past, because there is nothing I can do about that, I just need to join 2008!  And another thing, I always say gosh a year ago today what was I doing, I need to change that question to say something like a year from now where will I be.  Who will still be around.  I think thats what I liek about old el jay entries though, is that it is so easy to compare, you just look up today's date a year ago and see where your life was going, what you were doing and who was involved....I don't need livejournal to know what I was doing this time last year though.

So I say..I can't wait to see what things work out for next year...Hopefully...I'll be living with Molly and Kristin and Blucher, and HOPEFULLY that will be going well.  Hopefully, I'll be getting all A's. (haha). Hopefully, I won't be working two jobs, but I more than likely will. Hopefully, I"ll be getting ready to go and see Chance and his second Thanksgiving. Hopefully I will be volunteering somewhere.  Mostly I hope that in a year, I'll look back at this livejournal entry and tell myself good job on making your dreams come true.

 

I wish I could just talk to you.
I know that I messed that up and its really my fault that we arn't close anymore, but I wish that we could go get coffee, discuss our new lives. Nothing ground breaking, not to analyze it, or anything along those lines. Just talk, face to face. Cause believe it or not, you are wonderful to talk to, and that is what I miss most about you.

Overall things are going well, I suppose.  School is going, I'm actually looking into where I want to go to nursing school, I'm looking at nonmichigan schools and so far I have a few idea, but I'll have to visit and then there is always applying.  I get to go home soon, and I cannot wait, I feel as though it has been forever since I have been there last.  Speaking of a lot of time, I find it very hard to believe its already Novemeber, wow.  This semester if flying. 

Today I signed a lease with Molly and Kristin and Blucher, I'm pretty excited about it, but honestly very nervous at the same time, I know that we are good friends and things but its very hard for me not to jump to the assumptio that this will be just like it is when I moved in with Danielle, honestly last year we were the "inseparable Duo", now I don't even know if we are friends.  its a heartbreaking concept.  Molly and Kristin are such good friends of mine I would almost rather not live with them just so we can stay friends. 

I want so badly to just have some free time to do something enjoyable once in a while, but I'm swamped all the time, I know its my own doing but you know, gotta make that bread.  Lol.  I can't wait until Decemeber when I just have like 2 weeks of straight sleeping/scrapbooking/grandma/chance/reading time.  Maybe I'll go to another state, see an old friend.  Who knows. 

I love snow, but I hate driving in it, and today when I drive home I get to pass where I got into my accident last year...Im petrified.

I guess I have stalled long enough on this paper...I should get back to the constant hussle and bussel that is my life.